I wrote this piece in French as an introduction to this blog in 2020.
Am I ready? Am I spiritually ready not to have children? Have I been prepared for the possibility of not having children?
These are the questions I ask myself halfway through the book Beyond childlessness by Rachel Black and Louise Scull. At the dawn of my thirties, it is not a book that I would have spontaneously borrowed or even looked for. I came across a testimony in a magazine: a man expressed his guilt after meeting his ex-girlfriend. During their relationship of more than ten years, he had always claimed not to want children; his partner wanted it but had accepted the idea. She was thirty-five years old at the time of the breakup. Less than a year later, he was in a new relationship and soon had a child. He did not know where to put himself when he met this thirty-seven-year-old ex, single and childless. A psychologist responds to this testimony: it is with his ex that he did not want a child. It is explained that his case is quite common. The psychologist cites the example of celebrities, especially a singer in a relationship for years with a famous sportsman. The woman is approaching forty at the time of separation and will have no children. To support his main point, the psychologist refers the book in question: Beyond childlessness by Rachel Black and Louise Scull.
The psychologist’s arguments remind me of a discussion I had had with some friends about marriage. So, I get the book from a library. I couldn’t find the passage mentioning the psychologist’s main argument. What is certain is that I did not expect to be referred to such a book. The book surprised and questioned me. This book contains accounts from women who wanted children and could not have them for a variety of reasons ranging from early menopause to a sterile partner. Above all, the book invites the reader (childless) to go beyond the situation of childless life, but I won’t go that far in my reading.
I am wondering: how do we live with this spiritually? Even if I don’t really think I want a child, reading these testimonies makes me wonder how one survives such an unfulfilled wish. We may well say to ourselves that this is God’s will, but at what point does this acceptance occur? In the meantime, there are prayers, hope, a lot of hope. The woman’s hope, her partner’s hope if she is in a relationship. The hope of the family, of families, transferred to couples to women especially regardless of their marital status.
Whether or not you want children is irrelevant. In Muslim communities we are expected to marry and then have children.
In such a context, are we prepared, especially prepared not to have children. Islam as it is taught to us speaks of the mother as the only valid identity for a woman. Some women imagine that the depth and value of their faith is linked to motherhood.
People without children don’t seem to exist.
I started asking around and searching. As my research went on, I wondered how and when « being a mother » becomes a religious obligation. What impact does this have on childless people?
Original Text Femme musulmane sans enfant
Translation by Discussions Essentielles and Deep L
About the author
I am a French Muslim author with a passion for Islam. I studied Islam in a traditional and academic setting. My interest in the subjects of childlessness began over 10 years ago.
© Crédit photo Pexels-Christina Morillo
DISCUSSIONS ESSENTIELLES 